I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
