Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
