i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
