This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
