Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
