either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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