Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
