Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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