The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
