We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize