So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
