I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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