I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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