Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
