You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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