I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize