I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize