I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
