her vagine was all disorganized.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
