That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
