Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
