we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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