Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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