It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
