i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
