I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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