Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
