I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
