Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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