There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
