Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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