I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
