Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
