I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize