I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
