Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
