My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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