Moan for me like Helen Keller
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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