if i can run in heels then i can drive
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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