Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
