eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize