The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
