I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
