Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
