his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
