When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
