he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She bit a glass in half.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
