roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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