We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
