All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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