i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
