I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
