i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
