so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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