I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize