Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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