going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
