I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Everclear isn't food dammit
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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