The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
