I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
