How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
