Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
