every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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