Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have fence marks all over my body
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
