you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
