$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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