Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize