i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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