happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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