OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
