Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
