there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize