Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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