I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
