if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
