I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
