In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
