"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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