the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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