Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
